| Dealing with tantrums, particularly with a special needs | | | | paragraph. You must be using, teaching, and coaching |
| child, is never an easy task for a parent, and can | | | | your child using positive behavior techniques, and not |
| stretch your patience and parenting skills to the | | | | the 1950's Dr. Spock version of spare the rod and spoil |
| extreme. The best way to deal with a child tantrum is | | | | the child. Using those types of approaches in public |
| to prevent it from happening, so here is some | | | | these days will get you sent to the slammer! There |
| background to get started. | | | | are plenty of people out there with NO lives of their |
| The three stages of the tantrum are:o Pre-tantrum | | | | own, so they feel they must involve themselves in |
| build up (escalation)o Full blown Meltdowno | | | | yours. Well meaning? Usually. Productive? Necessary? |
| Post-tantrum cool down | | | | Helpful? Rarely. Just something for you to think about |
| All kids go through each of these stages in different | | | | and yes - to answer your question - we have had |
| ways, but if you can re-direct, distract, or calm them | | | | CPS (Child Protective Services) knocking on our door - |
| down during the pre-tantrum escalation stage, you can | | | | but not for that reason. That is quite a nice story that I |
| avoid the tantrum and begin to teach your child other | | | | do intend to write about - just not here. (OK - if you |
| ways of expressing anger, frustration, or | | | | can't stand the suspense, use the contact us page on |
| disappointment. | | | | my website and I will tell you...) |
| Prevention | | | | Intermittently Reinforced Behavior |
| The old expression "an ounce of prevention is worth a | | | | The hardest behavior to correct is the one that has |
| pound of cure" fits this very nicely. Your goal, as a | | | | been rewarded, or allowed, on an inconsistent or |
| parent, is to teach your children how to handle | | | | intermittent basis. Think about it. The child threw a fit |
| emotions, frustrations, and disappointments is a positive | | | | because they wanted a piece of candy in the store |
| and constructive way. The tantrum is a child's natural | | | | and to keep the peace you gave in. The next three or |
| expression of need or desire and started at a time | | | | four times you did not give in to the child, but were |
| when they were unable to communicate at all. Some | | | | probably forced to leave the store! So the 5th time |
| kids with special needs are still at that stage, so | | | | you give in once more - vowing never to do it again. |
| learning effective ways to re-direct is very important. | | | | However, you have reinforced that behavior more |
| Behavior Serves a Purpose | | | | than once, so to the child, they figure all they have to |
| You need to remember that behavior serves a | | | | do is keep it up and eventually you will cave in to what |
| purpose. You child is throwing a tantrum for a reason, | | | | they want. And so they do. It will usually take you |
| so if you can figure out what the child really needs or | | | | twice as long to break that one, than if you had just |
| wants as a result, you will be able to figure out how to | | | | given all the time. |
| teach your child a better way of asking! If you give in, | | | | Give In? |
| even occasionally, to your child's tantrum you have just | | | | So you should just give in all the time and keep the |
| taught them it is an acceptable way of getting what | | | | peace - right? NO. Absolutely not. You could solve a |
| they want. And children repeat successful behavior. | | | | current situation with that approach, but you are not |
| You may keep the peace for the moment, but you | | | | doing the child, yourself, or anyone around the child any |
| aren't doing your child or yourself any favors. And | | | | favors. You are reinforcing bad behavior. You are |
| embarrassing as a public tantrum is, keep in mind that | | | | telling your child it is OK to act this way to get what |
| yours isn't the only child in the whole wide world that | | | | they want. So, you should be consistent, and firm to |
| does it, in fact, despite the looks you get from others, I | | | | teach your child the way you want them to behave. |
| would propose that it is rare indeed, the child who has | | | | Behavior serves a purpose, a function and is done for |
| never thrown a full-fledged tantrum out in public. | | | | a reason. If you do not allow improper behavior to |
| Public Tantrum Solution? | | | | work (i.e. giving in) they will eventually (please note this |
| And the solution to the public tantrum? Well, yes, it can | | | | word) stop and find another way to get what they |
| be embarrassing and even humiliating for you as the | | | | want. If it worked, even once, they will use the hope |
| parent, but only if you CHOOSE it to be. Say what? | | | | and apply principle and keep trying it over and over |
| Yes - you heard me - only if you choose to be | | | | again. |
| embarrassed. "No one can make you feel inferior | | | | Summary |
| without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt. And | | | | So to wrap up this section before we get into |
| likewise, no one can make you embarrassed or | | | | preventative tips we learned:oYour child (and you!) are |
| humiliated without your permission. So don't let them. | | | | more important than what others around you thinkoNo |
| You decide that teaching your child socially acceptable | | | | one can make you feel ANYTHING without your |
| behavior in a positive and supporting manner is MUCH | | | | permission - so don't let themoBe Consistent (the |
| more important than the stares of a people with | | | | number one tip for every parent!)oReinforce the |
| nothing better to do. You do not have to explain | | | | behavior you want the child to have - not the bad |
| yourself, nor are you required to explain or make | | | | behavior. (Don't give in - even once!)oBehavior serves |
| excuses for your child. "She's autistic", or "He didn't get | | | | a purpose. |
| his medication", or "She has bipolar disorder" is not | | | | Next we will talk about some ideas, tips and |
| necessary, required, or even recommended. It is truly | | | | suggestions for preventing a meltdown and redirecting |
| none of their business! | | | | your child away from the escalation stage to |
| A Caveat | | | | something else. Stay tuned! |
| Now...I must mention the caveat to the above | | | | |